Articles

Key takeaways

• You can spend as much time as you need with your baby in a private space.
• Hospitals offer support for making memories, like photos and footprints.
• Grief is a personal journey, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
• Investigations can help understand why your baby died; a cause is not always found.

When your baby dies: Immediate care and choices

After your baby dies, you will be supported to spend time with them. You can also make memories. Hospital staff will offer you and your family a quiet, private space.

You can stay there for as long as you wish.

This time can be precious. It allows you to hold and love your baby. It also helps you acknowledge their place in your family.

Making memories with your baby

You can choose how you spend this time. Hospital staff will support you to do what you would like.

You may wish to:

• hold your baby
• take photos
• make hand and footprints
• dress them or wrap them in a special blanket
• wash them
• read them a story or sing to them
• say prayers with them

You might want to sleep with your baby in a cot next to you. The hospital can provide a special cool cot for this. It is up to you who is in the room with you and your baby.

A memory box is a special place to keep precious items from your baby's pregnancy, birth, and life. This can give you something physical to connect with.

Midwives can help you take clay imprints of your baby's hands or feet. You may also want to keep clothes, blankets, or toys that were with your baby.

Your choices for birth

Your healthcare team will discuss your choices for birth with you. This includes when, where, and how to have your baby.

Your general health, pregnancy, and past birth experiences will be considered. Your personal wishes are also important.

You will be cared for by a midwife. You will be in a private area where your partner or another companion can stay with you. You will be offered pain relief to keep you comfortable.

You may choose to have your baby vaginally or by caesarean birth. Vaginal birth is usually recommended.

This is because it has fewer risks for you. Your recovery is likely to be quicker and more straightforward.

Taking your baby home

You can take your baby home with you. This is allowed unless a coroner or procurator fiscal has ordered a post-mortem. A post-mortem is a medical examination to help find out why your baby died.

Ask your midwife for information about taking your baby home. Your midwife can help you with the form you'll need to fill in. Your midwife will also explain how to keep your baby cool at home.

You can spend as long as you like with your baby. However, your baby's appearance will change over time. A special cool cot can slow these changes.

If a post-mortem is ordered, it may need to happen soon after birth. Hospital staff will help you spend as much time as possible with your baby beforehand.

You can arrange to return to the hospital to see your baby after you have been discharged.

Your physical and emotional recovery

Grieving for your baby is a very personal experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently.

Physical recovery

Your body has been through a lot. You will have the physical effects of pregnancy and birth.

Your hormone levels will change rapidly after birth. Postnatal mood swings and tears are normal. These hormonal changes might make your grief harder to cope with.

You may bleed heavily for the first few days, and this will continue for a few weeks. You may have stitches or after-pains as your womb returns to its normal size. Your breasts will produce milk, which can cause painful swelling.

Talk to your midwife about how to manage your milk coming in. You may be able to take medication to stop it.

Both parents can experience physical effects of grief. These can include nightmares or disturbed dreams. You might also feel tiredness, a feeling of your heart racing or fluttering (palpitations), or shaking. Some people are extra sensitive to noise.

Grief can affect your appetite, but try to eat well and drink enough water.

Try to avoid using alcohol, cigarettes, or recreational drugs to help you cope. This can affect your physical and emotional recovery.

Emotional recovery

Grief is a natural response to loss. Grieving is a process that takes time. Allow yourself time to grieve and adjust.

Many people experience shock after a baby dies. You may find it hard to believe your baby has died.

You might feel numb or unable to think clearly. Some parents feel guilt, blaming themselves even if they know they could not have prevented what happened.

Finding support

• Be kind to yourself – You have gone through a trauma and need time to heal physically and emotionally.
• Stay active – Gentle exercise, even 5 or 10 minutes outdoors, can make a difference.
• Talk to your partner – Grief can put relationships under pressure. Talking to each other can help you both.
• Express how you feel – Writing a diary or blog can help process thoughts. Drawing, painting, or making a scrapbook can also be helpful.
• Talk to others with similar experiences – Connecting with people who understand can provide comfort.
• Ask for support from family and friends – Be honest about what you need. They can help with practical things like meals, shopping, or childcare.
• Seek professional help – Contact your GP if you need extra support for physical or emotional effects of grief.

Seeking answers: Understanding investigations

Most parents want to know why their baby died. Investigations can provide some answers.

They may also rule out possible causes. This information can be helpful for understanding your health.

You will be offered different investigations to try to find out why this happened. Unfortunately, a cause may not always be found.

You will need to sign a consent form for some investigations. You will be offered an appointment later to discuss the results.

Types of investigations

• Chromosome tests – This test uses a sample of your baby's placenta, umbilical cord, or skin. It looks for problems with chromosomes; more detailed genetic tests may also be recommended.
• Post-mortem examination – Also called an autopsy, this examines your baby's body to find a medical cause of death. You will receive detailed written information and time to discuss your choices, and the examination can be as limited or detailed as you wish.
• Hospital post-mortem – This type of post-mortem requires your permission and can be requested by doctors or you.
• Coroner's post-mortem – This is a legal requirement when the cause of death is unknown or questioned and does not require your consent.
• Detailed examination of your placenta – This can provide important information.
• Blood tests – These tests look for conditions such as pre-eclampsia, obstetric cholestasis, and diabetes. They also check for conditions that make your blood clot more easily (thrombophilia or antiphospholipid syndrome).
• Infection tests – If an infection is suspected, certain swabs may be recommended. This can include swabs from your vagina and cervix. Swabs may also be taken from the placenta and your baby.

Follow-up appointments

A follow-up appointment with your specialist pregnancy doctor (an obstetrician) will be arranged. This is to discuss the results of the tests. This may take several months if your baby had a post-mortem.

If returning to the maternity unit is distressing, tell your healthcare professionals. An alternative can be arranged.

This appointment is also an opportunity to talk about what this means for your health going forward. The hospital will also review the care you and your baby received. This can help you understand what happened.

Finding support and navigating practicalities

There are many sources of support available. You can also get help with practical matters.

Emotional support

• GP – Get in touch with your GP if you feel you need extra support with the physical or emotional effects of grieving.
• Counselling – Baby loss counselling services can give you a safe space to talk about your grief. A therapist can help you manage intrusive thoughts or anxieties.
• Support groups – These groups allow you to talk to people who have been through similar experiences.
• SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity) – SANDS offers emotional support and practical help. You can contact their helpline on 0808 164 3332 (10am-3pm Monday-Friday, 6pm-9pm Tuesday & Thursday) or email them at helpline@sands.org.uk.
• Tommys – Tommys provides online resources and access to bereavement-trained midwives. You can reach them by telephone at 0800 0147 800, available 9am-5pm Monday-Friday.
• Twins Trust: Bereavement Support Group – This group supports parents who have lost twins, triplets, or more.

Practical support

• Help from family and friends – Ask for practical help with tasks like making meals, shopping, or looking after other children.
• Bereavement support officer or midwife – They can help you with paperwork and funeral planning.
• Other children – Inform those involved in your other children's care, such as their school or childminder, about the death. Also inform their school, childminder, and GP. Tell them how you've explained it.

Arranging a funeral

In the UK, a baby who dies after 24 weeks of pregnancy or after birth needs to be buried or cremated. You can choose whether to have a funeral service or ceremony. There is no legal time limit, so you can take your time.

If you need a quick burial or cremation for religious reasons, a community or religious leader may be able to help. Talk to the staff caring for you about what you want to happen.